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me and bae having sex
bae: mmm yeah fuck me baby
me: put a quarter in the swear jar

Posted 3 weeks ago

Source: babyhater Reblogged from: groggyandbored
8/24/14 — 3:37am Notes: 112123
112,123 notes
vitaminsobsession:

fuckyeah-nerdery:

worthyourweightinfanfiction:

buttships-were-meant-2spooky:


this is the best thing in the entire world

she should greet jane as if nothing happened and see how jane reacts

she should avoid school the next day. And the next. Every night, she should put on the exact outfit she had on that day, hose herself down until she’s completely drenched and stand in Jane’s yard. When Jane is home alone, she should approach the window, staring at her. Knock on it if you don’t have her attention. 
That’ll get her back for killing you and trying to hide the evidence.

Ease up there, Satan.

Ease up? SHE TRIED TO KILL HER

vitaminsobsession:

fuckyeah-nerdery:

worthyourweightinfanfiction:

buttships-were-meant-2spooky:

this is the best thing in the entire world

she should greet jane as if nothing happened and see how jane reacts

she should avoid school the next day. And the next. Every night, she should put on the exact outfit she had on that day, hose herself down until she’s completely drenched and stand in Jane’s yard. When Jane is home alone, she should approach the window, staring at her. Knock on it if you don’t have her attention. 

That’ll get her back for killing you and trying to hide the evidence.

Ease up there, Satan.

Ease up? SHE TRIED TO KILL HER

Posted 3 weeks ago

Source: courtneyhatesjane Reblogged from: owlapin
8/19/14 — 4:36pm Notes: 850480
850,480 notes
tags: #funny

Posted 3 months ago

70,397 notes
thatfunnyblog:

Posted 3 months ago

Source: kid-n0thing Reblogged from: owlapin
5/21/14 — 5:34am Notes: 553258
553,258 notes

thorxndor:

since I’m 18 now I had to call the hospital myself to get test results and I was simply planning on saying that I had a blood test last week and if I could get the results back but when the woman answered I said “I want my blood back” and hung up the phone, so I’m never trying that again

Posted 4 months ago

Source: thorxndor Reblogged from: sweggscellent
5/11/14 — 12:45am Notes: 169058
169,058 notes
xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:


Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.



UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)


I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.


UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

Posted 4 months ago

114,988 notes

beardsmelting:

every time i see this i laugh so hard i’m in physical pain

Posted 5 months ago

193,834 notes
1,062,619 plays

dicksp8jr:

yue-the-tianlong:

silvermoon424:

breakingdads:

A Dramatic Reading of Sandra Hill’s “Rough and Ready”

image

I’M BRINGING THIS BACK BECAUSE I REDISCOVERED IT EARLIER AND I ALMOST HAD AN ANEURYSM FROM LAUGHING SO HARD

IF YOU CAN ONLY HEAR ONE THING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LISTEN TO THIS

Posted 5 months ago

Source: breakingdads Reblogged from: knightofvodka
4/6/14 — 11:06pm Notes: 226547
226,547 notes

itsvondell:

god …

Posted 5 months ago

Source: itsvondell Reblogged from: spookboopboogie
3/20/14 — 6:06pm Notes: 2056
2,056 notes
talesof4chan:

First National Bank of Gamestoptalesof4chan.tumblr.com

talesof4chan:

First National Bank of Gamestop
talesof4chan.tumblr.com

Posted 6 months ago

Source: talesof4chan Reblogged from: reptila-tequila
3/18/14 — 2:47pm Notes: 4696
4,696 notes

feminismordeath:

badassperger:

caseyandsons:

bxneyard:

soulsuccubus:

thedaysofforever:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I never usually laugh at these, but I literally just lost it

Lololol

Tears are streaming down my face oh my god

help

"I am getting fisted right now" omfg

Posted 6 months ago

287,135 notes

badcgijosh:

TRAMAMPOLINE TRAMBOPOLINE

Posted 6 months ago

Source: jabura Reblogged from: impactrueno
2/26/14 — 6:00pm Notes: 178433
178,433 notes

berniesu:

sherlockspeare:

Don’t ever ask me what the hell I was thinking ‘cause I don’t know either.

No words

Posted 7 months ago

Source: sherlockspeare Reblogged from: blogdenerdy
2/13/14 — 4:32pm Notes: 203570
203,570 notes

cruciothatbitch:

kenway:

watch at least the first minute of this

i did not want this video to end

Posted 7 months ago

Source: kenwaymoved Reblogged from: knoxyjohnville
2/11/14 — 1:00am Notes: 226603
226,603 notes
dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

animatedgurl:

dicklover3000:

thetimeofdawn:

dicklover3000:

lmao my mom got me long hamsters haha why these hamsters so long

those are ferrets you pile of wombat shit

haha aw sweetie :) you need to learn your animals! those are long hamsters! they’re like hamsters… but they’re long! (:

Lemme correct you thetimeofdawn, dicklover3000 is a pile of ‘ferret’ shit, and dicklover3000, those are in fact, ferrets, get a 3rd grade education, “sweetie”

aw babe im sure you meant well but those are not ferrets! theyre long hamsters! (: its ok to not know a lot about animals! youll learn!

EDUCATE YOURSELF DICKLOVER3000 FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU SUCK TOO MANY DICK THAT YOU FORGOT EVERYTHING ELSE???!!!??!?¿¿???!!!

:-) …maybe

Listen, “babe.” If you want to correct others, make sure you got your facts straight. At least google it so that you may actually sound intelligent rather than a brainless neanderthal. You’re embarrassing yourself, honey.

baby doll my facts are 100 percent true! :-) silly silly ferrets are only a myth! these are long hamsters! im sure you have heard of them! they’re available in many pet stores! they’re awfully cute but very hyper!

Listen here, dickwadA ferret is a domesticated form of a European Polecat. Its scientific name is Mustela putorius furo. LOOK IT UP SO THAT YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. Might I say, its life span is 7-10 years. LONG HAMSTERS are not proper nor do they roam the earth. So please, look it up and EDUCATE YOURSELF, TWAT.

i am sorry that you refuse to educate yourself on the beauty of long hamsters! my dear you are simply just wrong on this matter! dont worry! one day you will understand :) long hamsters are truly magical creatures… 

JESUS CHRIST WOMAN. LONG HAMSTERS DONT EXIST. YOU. NEED. TO DO. YOUR. OWN. GODDAMN. RESEARCH. BC YOU. ARE BEING AN UNEDUCATED LITTLE SWINE. MAYBE, IF YOU SUCK A DICK TOO HARD, YOU MIGHT SUCK THEIR BRAINS OUT, THEN MAYBE, YOU WILL HAVE A LITTLE INTELLIGENCE IN YOU.

goodness gracious! sweetheart! long hamsters have been the center of many, many studies for years! they are truly little miracles! no one knows how these hamsters got so long. (: it is okay that you have yet to explore the amazing Cricetinae longis. 

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

samstagram-13:

dicklover3000:

animatedgurl:

dicklover3000:

thetimeofdawn:

dicklover3000:

lmao my mom got me long hamsters haha why these hamsters so long

those are ferrets you pile of wombat shit

haha aw sweetie :) you need to learn your animals! those are long hamsters! they’re like hamsters… but they’re long! (:

Lemme correct you thetimeofdawn, dicklover3000 is a pile of ‘ferret’ shit, and dicklover3000, those are in fact, ferrets, get a 3rd grade education, “sweetie”

aw babe im sure you meant well but those are not ferrets! theyre long hamsters! (: its ok to not know a lot about animals! youll learn!

EDUCATE YOURSELF DICKLOVER3000 FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU SUCK TOO MANY DICK THAT YOU FORGOT EVERYTHING ELSE???!!!??!?¿¿???!!!

:-) …maybe

Listen, “babe.” If you want to correct others, make sure you got your facts straight. At least google it so that you may actually sound intelligent rather than a brainless neanderthal. You’re embarrassing yourself, honey.

baby doll my facts are 100 percent true! :-) silly silly ferrets are only a myth! these are long hamsters! im sure you have heard of them! they’re available in many pet stores! they’re awfully cute but very hyper!

Listen here, dickwad
A ferret is a domesticated form of a European Polecat. Its scientific name is Mustela putorius furo. LOOK IT UP SO THAT YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. Might I say, its life span is 7-10 years. LONG HAMSTERS are not proper nor do they roam the earth. So please, look it up and EDUCATE YOURSELF, TWAT.

i am sorry that you refuse to educate yourself on the beauty of long hamsters! my dear you are simply just wrong on this matter! dont worry! one day you will understand :) long hamsters are truly magical creatures… 

JESUS CHRIST WOMAN. LONG HAMSTERS DONT EXIST. YOU. NEED. TO DO. YOUR. OWN. GODDAMN. RESEARCH. BC YOU. ARE BEING AN UNEDUCATED LITTLE SWINE. MAYBE, IF YOU SUCK A DICK TOO HARD, YOU MIGHT SUCK THEIR BRAINS OUT, THEN MAYBE, YOU WILL HAVE A LITTLE INTELLIGENCE IN YOU.

goodness gracious! sweetheart! long hamsters have been the center of many, many studies for years! they are truly little miracles! no one knows how these hamsters got so long. (: it is okay that you have yet to explore the amazing Cricetinae longis. 

Posted 7 months ago

Source: carolxne Reblogged from: impactrueno
2/5/14 — 6:30am Notes: 156438
156,438 notes
tags: #funny